Far Cry
by Lunn Lady of Angst
Summary: Amelia's an angel with a secret. While she wants more than anything to keep it that way, the other angels in heaven slowly come to realize she's not like them.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural, or any characters portrayed therein. I do, however, claim ownership of Amelia.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Plaisirs Amers**

Amelia was irritated. Which, in and of itself, was irritating. No one in the rest of her garrison was irritated, or feeling much of anything, really. In general, most angels felt nothing at all. Sure, there was the occasional bout of loyalty, and some angels were known to be a bit sarcastic, but in general, angels were pretty blank. Except Amelia. It wasn't as if she was over-emotional and melodramatic, and she generally kept any emotion she was feeling to herself, but knowing that she felt something about the topic at hand and no one else in her garrison did was irritating.

Anna, Amelia's garrison leader, was discussing their continuing mission. They had been searching for years for the archangel Gabriel, with no success. The garrison had found a few leads, but those had turned out to be dead ends, probably not even related to Gabriel. None of the other angels were overly concerned about not being able to find the archangel, since he wasn't disturbing or hurting anything, but Amelia was extremely bothered by it. She supposed that she felt a personal connection to the problem.

After calling the meeting to a close, Anna instructed the garrison to split into their search teams to discuss plans for future investigations. Amelia's team consisted of Castiel, who was already seated next to her, and Uriel, who wasn't present at the meeting due to a separate mission that he was involved in – Amelia didn't care to know the details of it. Anna joined Amelia and Castiel instead.

Anna wasted no time in any sort of small talk and got right down to business. "Amelia, I haven't asked you this up until now because I thought we'd have more cogent options, but it turns out we're not doing too well at finding Gabriel." Anna paused to look at Amelia, as if expecting her to know where the conversation was going while Amelia stared back, not entirely sure that she did. Anna continued, "You are Gabriel's offspring, are you not?"

_Of course._ Amelia sighed. She had figured that this subject would come up eventually, but she hadn't really given it much thought, since it didn't really matter to her. She decided to humour Anna, replying, "Yes, I am."

Anna waited a few moments, expecting Amelia to expand on her answer, but when she did not, pressed on. "Do the two of you have any sort of connection that could help us find him?"

Amelia responded immediately, "No, I don't. I have no connection to him whatsoever."

"You got nothing from him at all? That's unusual, isn't it?" Castiel interjected.

"I didn't say that," Amelia said. "I said I had no connection to him. I can't, and never could, tell where he was. I got some attributes from him, but that's it." Amelia turned to Anna, hoping for a change of topic, but Castiel seemed unappeased.

"What sort of attributes?"

Amelia turned back to face him. "Well, I'm a bit handier in a fight than your average angel. On the flip side, I don't have very good healing powers, which isn't all that helpful." Castiel nodded, his curiosity sated for now, and they both turned back to Anna, who had been waiting patiently for them to finish their conversation before continuing with relaying plans for their next move. Amelia, however, could only half pay attention to what Anna was saying. Her mind was on the one thing that Gabriel passed down to her that she didn't like to share with the other angels – her emotions. Ever since Gabriel had told her why she was different, why she felt things that none of her peers felt, she had been terrified to bring it up. She could remember exactly what Gabriel had told her, years ago…

* * *

Amelia had been searching for hours for Gabriel. She had a feeling he was avoiding her. After all, Heaven wasn't _that_ big, and she was certain she'd checked all of it. The longer she searched, the more frustrated she got, and the more frustrated she got, the angrier she got. She needed to find Gabriel. He was the only one who could answer her questions.

She had been talking to Uriel, and she had mentioned that helping people made her happy. He had given her a very odd look and abruptly left. This had given her the distinct impression that something she said had been wrong, and the only thing she could think of was that things made her happy. She decided to find Gabriel and ask if it actually was wrong to feel happiness. The only flaw in her plan was Gabriel's tendency to disappear. He tended to not like dealing with the other angels. Amelia couldn't really see why, but most of the time it didn't bother her, unless she was trying to find him.

Finally at her wits end and out of places to look, Amelia decided to go for broke and shouted, at the top of her lungs, "GABRIEL! COME HERE!" and then stood and waited. Sure enough, in a few moments, Gabriel appeared, albeit behind her.

"What do you want this time?" he drawled at her. He never did like taking time out of his busy schedule to talk to her.

"I need to ask you a question."

Gabriel scoffed. "I figured as much, or why else would you have called me here?"

Amelia glared at him, and then continued. "Today while I was talking to Uriel, I mentioned that certain things made me happy, and then he gave me a really strange look and disappeared. I was wondering if you knew why he acted so strange about it?"

For once, in all the time Amelia could remember him, Gabriel actually looked serious while he thought about how to answer her. Amelia crossed her arms across her chest and waited for him to answer. His answer, however, came as a question. "Do you feel any other emotions?" he asked tentatively.

Amelia furrowed her brow. "Yes. Why?"

Gabriel grabbed her shoulder and said, rather forcefully, "Don't tell anyone else that you do. It isn't normal."

Amelia tried to back away, but Gabriel was holding her arm too tightly. "What do you mean, 'it isn't normal'?"

"I mean, none of the other angels feel emotion but me. And you, apparently, but I don't know why. The only reason I get away with it is because I'm an archangel, and even then, I have to keep it as hidden as possible."

Amelia suddenly found that the anxiety she was feeling before was being rapidly replaced with dread. "So, in other words, showing emotion is a big no-no?" Gabriel nodded. "That's just great." Being different in heaven was not a good thing. To keep order, everyone was generally required to be equal in status, except for those higher up in the chain of command. Stepping outside the box, as it were, generally got you into trouble – a terrifying thought for Amelia.

Apparently Gabriel could see the fear in Amelia's eyes, because he took hold of her arms and said in the kindest voice she'd ever heard come out of him, "Don't worry, Amelia. Emotions are precious. Just because the heavenly host doesn't like them doesn't mean they're a bad thing. Treasure them. Just… don't share them." And then he hugged her – another first. Not one to miss an opportunity, Amelia returned his embrace. She vowed then and there not to disappoint him, and would keep all her emotions to herself, no matter what.

* * *

Amelia gave her head a shake, bringing her attention to what Anna and Castiel were discussing. It would do her no good to dwell on the past. She wouldn't break her silent vow to Gabriel, but that didn't mean she had to think about it all the time, nor would it help them find Gabriel. Just because he had disappointed her didn't mean she had to disappoint him.

* * *

**A/N:** Short chapter is short. This sort of goes along with, but technically comes before The Batchild's Supernatural fic, found on her page: .net/u/1085312/The_Batchild GO READ IT if you haven't already.

Also, chapter titles, as well as the title of the fic, are names of songs. Never fear, it's not a song fic XD I'm just too unoriginal to come up with my own titles. Chapter 1 refers to the song by Marie-Mai, and translates to "Bitter Pleasures".

Enjoy!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural, or any characters portrayed therein. I do, however, claim ownership of Amelia.

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**Chapter 2: In One Ear**

Amelia stood, surrounded by a mass of people, invisible to all of them. It was a dreary day, with a soft mist of rain falling on the crowd, either soaking their hair or dripping off their black umbrellas onto the concrete of the ground. The throngs of people moved past her, around her, without realising she was there, in a hurry to get somewhere, anywhere, out of the rain or on to the next big thing. Even surrounded by the press of humanity, Amelia felt so very alone.

Anna and Uriel had decided that it be prudent to run a reconnaissance mission to search for the missing Gabriel. After so many years of searching and finding nothing, Amelia found it to be a fruitless endeavour, but she knew better than to question the orders of her superiors. That always, _always¸ _ended badly for her kind. So she had gone along with it, and now they were down on earth, searching. Amelia knew that if Gabriel didn't want to be found, no one, not even the entire host of heaven combined, could find him. Gabriel threw out illusions like flowers spread pollen, and, as such, the host had been coming up against his diversions for centuries. But, if Anna thought they should search, Amelia searched.

Deeming the stretch of sidewalk that Amelia had been staring at for hours devoid of any signs of Gabriel, she transported herself to the designated meeting point to find that Uriel and Anna had already arrived. They were deep in a heated conversation. She approached them cautiously, not wishing to be brought into an argument.

Anna seemed to be standing in such a way that conveyed that she thought the conversation should be over, she had made her point, but Uriel wasn't catching on. He gestured wildly with his hands and remarked emphatically, "Emotions lead to nothing but trouble! Look at Gabriel! These… humans! There would have been no wars, no fighting, if they did not have emotion."

Anna stared blankly for a moment, seeming to turn the idea over in her head, then shook it slightly in disagreement. "That may be, but there are so many more benefits to emotion that the humans can experience."

Emotions. Amelia had so many times interrupted Anna and Uriel having this same argument, and neither side ever ceded to the other. Not wanting to get involved in such a discussion, Amelia usually left, but since she had yet to deliver her report to Anna, Amelia was forced to stay.

Uriel scoffed at Anna's statement. "Such as?" he drawled. Amelia smirked. For someone so against emotion, Uriel seemed to be showing a great deal of it.

Anna was not moved by his passion. "Love, friendship, happiness. All things to be cherished." Anna turned to Amelia, having noticed her presence, and inclined her head in Amelia's direction. "Don't you agree, Amelia?"

Amelia nodded. "Yes and no, Anna."

"Explain."

Amelia paused, choosing her words carefully. "Friendship, love, and happiness are things to be shared, cherished, nurtured, yes, but one must also be careful to not let them get in the way of making important choices, lest they get led astray."

Anna moved closer, resting a hand on Amelia's arm. Their eyes met, and Anna seemed to be boring into Amelia's mind, revealing all her secrets, though Amelia knew that to be untrue. Anna's gaze was just… intense. Or so Amelia hoped.

Anna spoke softly, apparently ignoring Uriel's presence, "Do you have any friends, Amelia?"

Amelia's breath caught at the suggestion. Friends were taboo among the host. Friends involved emotion. However, she had had a friend once before, but no more. He had betrayed her trust and their friendship. It was painful to think about, but Anna's reminder forced her to recall the moment when he had broken her trust…

* * *

"Why should they get all the attention? We were here first, we should be His favourites."

Amelia stared at her friend like she had only just seen him for the first time. He had always seemed so reasonable to her before, but now he was standing here, going against everything God, their father had told them. That was unheard of. Even being an archangel didn't give Lucifer leeway to be saying things like that.

"Lucifer, I don't like where you're going with this. Leave it alone. Accept our place, please." She began to turn away, to end the conversation at that, but Lucifer grasped her arm, pulling her back to face him.

"Why should I? Why should any of us? We're more powerful, we should be in charge of things. These… humans, they are useless!" Amelia pulled back from him at the disgust in his voice. She had never seen him this upset before, and it scared her. He ignored her and continued his tirade. "They will destroy the wondrous home our father made. Made for _them_. They don't deserve it. We do. I do. I'm his favourite!"

Amelia finally managed to yank her arm out of his grip. "No Lucifer, you're wrong. The humans need our help. You know that. We are more powerful, yes, but that makes it our _duty_ to look after the humans, to love them. Why can't you just accept that?"

Lucifer sneered at her. "I will never be subservient to those creatures."

"Don't say that."

"Why not? It's true. I won't kneel to those worms."

"You will be cast out! Cast down into hell!" she responded, horrified.

"Not if you join me. Not if I can gain allies in this," he insisted, pulling her closer to him. Lucifer seemed absolutely sure of himself. Amelia couldn't help but think that he'd gone a bit mad. "We can fight God's orders. We can beat my brothers. We can make them join us as well!"

"No one will join you, Lucifer. It's madness. If our purpose is not to help the humans, then what is it? We have nothing _but_ this. It's what our father created us for. Please stop talking this way. We've been through much, Lucifer, I don't want to see you end this way. God will send the host against you. Your brothers will be forced to strike you down. I don't want that. As my friend, please, I beg you to stop this." This time, Amelia reached out a hand to Lucifer, but he shrunk away from it, a look of betrayal on his face.

Lucifer made sure he was looking Amelia square in the eyes, making sure she picked up every word he said. "Our friendship doesn't matter. This matters. But clearly you do not see it. I'm done with you." He dematerialised into nothingness, and Amelia was alone.

Their friendship had mattered nothing to him. Amelia was just a pawn to him, to be used when called upon to do his dirty work. She had never truly been his friend. She realised that now. But he had been hers, and to hear him say those things… it hurt her in ways she had no words to fully describe.

She remembered then something that Gabriel had told her once in one of his more talkative moods. The angels had no emotion, and friendship and love were based on emotion. He was right, of course. What he had been implying all along though, and what Amelia had finally come to understand to be the truth, was that they could never truly be her friend. She could love and cherish them all she wanted, but they would never reciprocate. Not out of spite or malevolence, but simply because they could not.

The same mistake would not be made again. Amelia made a pact to herself then and there that she would not be friends with any of the angels again. They would simply disappoint her.

* * *

"No, Uriel, I have no friends," Amelia replied, shaking her head clear of her reverie. "I only have loyalty to heaven. What more do I need?"

Uriel considered her response for a moment. "I don't believe you," he stated, his demeanour quite calm.

Amelia was taken aback. She wasn't lying – she really didn't have any friends, not anymore. "Why not? I'm not lying."

"I think you care for certain members of the garrison more than others. From what I understand of these things, that makes you their friend." Uriel seemed smug about this, and Amelia could not be sure why.

"Uriel, I have no idea what you are basing that assumption on. It's ridiculous. I may talk to certain angels more than others, and perhaps I do care about our garrison members more than other garrisons, but is that not to be expected? We have to look out for each other, otherwise there would be no reason for having a garrison. If we cannot count on each other then we would not do well in battle." Even while saying that, Amelia was wracking her brain, trying to think of any instance when she cared more about one single person more than another. Since she told herself that she wouldn't, she could not think of a single being that she had allowed herself to grow close to.

Uriel crossed his arms over his chest. He seemed to be thinking of the best way to put what he was about to say in such a manner that she could not refute it. "That is loyalty, which we all have. We have loyalty to our garrison and loyalty to our father and his archangels, but that is not what I believe you are expressing."

"And what do you think I'm expressing?" Amelia spat back at him. She knew full well what he was implying, but she wanted to hear him say it.

"Friendship," he stated, as calmly as his first accusation.

Anna finally interjected. "Uriel, be mindful of what you say. Friendship requires emotion, which is something that we can never afford again, especially not after Lucifer's fall and Gabriel's abandonment. Raphael will not stand for it." She glared pointedly at Uriel. "This conversation is over."

As Anna dematerialized to return to heaven, followed closely by Uriel, Amelia paused for a moment, thinking she saw something akin to regret on Anna's face, but dismissed it as a trick of the light and returned home.

* * *

**A/N:** And here is another chapter! I hope you enjoy! In case it wasn't clear, the chapters make random jumps forward in time between each one. It doesn't go backwards, except in the flashbacks, so you can always assume that each chapter is later in time than its predecessor.

This chapter title is a song by Cage The Elephant.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural, or any characters portrayed therein. I do, however, claim ownership of Amelia.

* * *

**Chapter 3: Dead End Friends**

The forest was unusually quiet. Amelia, Anna, and Castiel were scouting the wooded area, investigating for any signs that Gabriel had been in it. Her companions seemed at ease, but Amelia was feeling anxious. There were no sounds – no birds chirping, no rodents scurrying, no breeze through the trees, nothing but the sounds of the three angels passing. Amelia wanted out as soon as possible, but she couldn't explain to herself why a quiet forest disturbed her so much, let alone explain it to Anna or Castiel, so she kept quiet about it. After all, they were angels. If anything could defend itself successfully, it was an angel. Amelia steeled herself, and continued through the woods after her companions.

It wasn't an easy journey. The three angels had decided on travelling in their vessels to try and throw Gabriel off, if he even was where he was rumoured to be, which in and of itself was unlikely. However, up until recently, the angels had been searching solely in their angelic forms, passing noiselessly and unnoticed among the humans. Since, Anna had reasoned, angels are not known to change their ways, Gabriel would most likely assume them to continue to travel outside of their vessels, so by actually travelling within a vessel, he would not be as suspicious of a trio of humans following along his supposed trail. Amelia did not fully agree with the plan, as it made them far more vulnerable to any traps he had laid, whether they were for angels or not, but her place was not to judge, merely to follow. So here they were, travelling through the woods after Gabriel, and tripping on underbrush the whole way. By the time they arrived at a clearing in the forest, they were covered in a light sheen of sweat.

"So, this is it?" Amelia said, gesturing at the clearing. It was bright and sunny, and they could feel a breeze running through it – a nice change from the stale, still air of the forest.

Castiel nodded, and Anna replied, "Yes, this is where I determined the trail lead."

Amelia glanced around the clearing, taking in the large size of the area and the apparent wholeness of how it felt. The sun appeared dappled against the grass, highlighting the tiny purple flowers riddled amongst the clover of the meadow. All things considered, a peaceful place. Even so, she couldn't shake the feeling of anxiety that had settled in her, despite their surroundings.

The trio began to methodically move around the clearing, slowly advancing into it, trying to sense for any sign of an angelic presence. Amelia closed her eyes and reached out with her other senses, trying to pick up any trace of Gabriel. It had been so long since Amelia had seen him that she could barely tell the difference between him and any other angel, but since it was unlikely that any other angel had been in the exact clearly they were in recently, she was just looking for traces of any angel at all. Once, before Gabriel had left, Amelia could have picked him out from thousands of angels just by sensing them. He had created her and they therefore shared a sort of familiarity but that had faded the longer they had been so far apart. She doubted now that she could recognize him unless he was right in front of her. Sighing to herself at the thought, she continued her search.

Eventually, the three of them met at the centre of the clearing. They had found nothing – no clue about where Gabriel might have gone or if he'd even been there at all. How Castiel had managed to deduce that Gabriel had been there was beyond Amelia. She could feel nothing at all in the clearing, let alone an angelic presence. Looking at her companions, she could tell their thoughts were on what to do next, where to go, what clue to follow up on now, but all her thoughts were on her frustration. She turned her back on the other two so they wouldn't see the fire in her vessel's eyes, her anger at looking for so long but finding so little. She crossed her arms across her chest and, for lack of a better term, pouted.

After a few moments of feeling sorry for herself, Amelia began to turn back towards Anna and Castiel when she saw a flicker of movement out of the corner of her eye. She turned towards where she had seen it, at a point just beyond the tree line of the clearing. It was gone, but she was sure she had seen something. She took a step forward. Anna and Castiel noticed where she was looking and, as if by silent command, turned to look outwards as well. Amelia narrowed her eyes; the forest didn't look as it should. It seemed denser than when they had arrived at the clearing. The anxiety that Amelia felt coming into the clearing had returned. She quietly slipped her dagger out and took a more defensive stance, then slowly, ever so slowly, inched forward. Anna and Castiel followed her lead. Something was in the forest, she could feel it.

When the three angels were almost to the edge of the trees, the demons struck. They streamed through the trees and into the light in a wave of bodies, splitting into three groups to attack the three angels separately. Amelia instinctively ran to meet the demons head on, leaving no room for them to gain the upper hand. Of the three angels, Amelia's vessel had the superior fighting ability, as it was lithe and compact therefore more able to flow through the demons more quickly. She began deftly and efficiently banishing the demons back to hell, either with her dagger or through her touch, while still avoiding their blows.

The group of demons attacking Amelia began to thin. She found herself with progressively more room to manoeuvre, making dispatching her foes all the more simple. She chanced a glance over at Castiel. He was moving more slowly than Amelia due to his larger vessel, but he was still taking the demons out with a practiced efficiency. Anna was having a bit more difficulty. The vessel she had chosen was lighter than Castiel's, but also more lanky and awkward than Amelia's. In the brief moment Amelia spared to glance her way, she saw the demons land a few hard blows to Anna, driving her to her knees. Amelia would have gone to her aid, but, sensing the larger threat, the demons chose that moment to strengthen their attack on her. While this lightened the stress on Castiel and Anna significantly and allowed Castiel to go to Anna's aid, Amelia was now having a much more difficult time fighting off her foes.

She blocked a hard swing at her face as she stabbed outwards behind her with her dagger, narrowly missing her target but effectively giving her a bit more room to move. She swung out wherever she could, hitting as many demons as she could. In her mind, the fight became a blur of hacks, slashes, and kicks. She could feel herself tiring quickly. Demons could not kill an angel, but they could wound them well enough to send them limping back to heaven and Amelia had no intention of letting that happen. Her movements became more and more desperate until there was only one demon left, prancing back and forth in front of her, trying to avoid where he anticipated her strikes would land. Amelia charged straight at him and at the moment just before their bodies would have collided, she dropped to the ground, sweeping her leg around and through the legs of the demon, effectively knocking him to the ground beside her. Without giving him a chance to get over the shock of suddenly being horizontal rather than vertical, she pressed her palm to his forehead and sent him back to the hell he came from.

Amelia picked herself slowly back up off the ground, scanning the clearing as she did so for any more signs of danger. She prodded gently at her face, only now realising she had a long gash running across it, probably from a knife one of the demons had been wielding. Sensing no more danger, she turned her attentions to her companions.

Castiel was standing in front of Anna, his hand resting on her shoulder. They were just looking at each other, but Amelia felt like that by watching them she was intruding on something intimate. Anna's gaze was filled with what appeared to be gratitude, and Castiel's was more concern, but Amelia sensed something more in it, more of a connection than had been there before. She turned away. She was confused. She was feeling uncomfortable, almost jealous, and she couldn't put her finger on why. Of course it was abnormal for the other two angels to be feeling emotions of any kind, but in such a charged situation even angels felt something. Gratitude and concern were natural reactions to being saved and doing the saving, so why was she so upset about it? She knew there must be something to it, but she didn't know what. She didn't even have anyone to talk to about it anymore, not since Gabriel had left. It all boiled down to Gabriel, Amelia decided. She was starting to dislike him more the more they searched for him.

Steeling herself against her thoughts, she trudged towards the pair until she was standing a few feet from them. They looked over at her, taking in the injury Amelia hadn't decided to heal yet and the generally dishevelled state she was in, then over at the bodies of the demons Amelia had vanquished, then back to Amelia. Castiel broke the silence. "Gabriel isn't here." He walked to the edge of the clearing and stared into the woods, pensieve.

Ignoring Castiel's rather obvious observation, Amelia addressed Anna. "How did the demons know we'd be here?"

Anna thought about it, then replied, "Most likely one of them was already in the woods and sensed our presence. Instead of attacking in the trees, it gathered its brethren and attacked en masse here."

"They thought they'd have a better chance in the open?"

"Precisely."

Amelia scoffed. Demons didn't stand a chance against the angels without at least a powerful demon with them, and even then they could only be considered a serious threat with Lucifer free, which he thankfully was not.

Anna turned the conversation to the mission. "Gabriel was here, there is no doubt about that," she stated.

"Why do you think so?"

"Only a very powerful angel would have the ability to dampen the senses of another angel, and no other angel in heaven would have a reason to do so," Anna reasoned. Amelia found she had to agree. But why would Gabriel lead the garrison to this clearing? Why would he have been there in the first place? She wished she knew, but Amelia never once claimed she could divine his thoughts. Trying to do so was a lesson in futility if there ever was one.

She sighed. "Where does that leave us? Do we have any more leads?"

Castiel looked back at them. "No, nothing." He turned once again to the forest.

Anna stood deep in thought for a moment. "We will return to heaven and regroup." She disappeared in front of Amelia's eyes. Castiel followed immediately after her. Amelia gazed around her one last time, taking in the carnage she and her fellows had wrought upon the demons, taking in the clearing where Gabriel had been for no reason she could think of, then transported herself back home.

* * *

**A/N:** So... that took forever to update. I kind of lost my gumption for a while there, but recent SPN episodes (i.e. Season 6 finale) kicked me back into gear, albeit a slow one. Enjoy!

Song title: Dead End Friends by Them Crooked Vultures. The lyrics don't have much to do with it, more the title. The trio reached a dead end in their search and the "friends" are the demons they found there. I know, pretty lame...


End file.
